TIM CARROLL SUCKS

This story I found as part of a text file that was called "CIA Book of Dirty Tricks". It seems to have been circulating around for some years and resembles the style and tone of works like the "Anarchist Cookbook" or some of the text files inspired on that infamous work. I very much doubt it was written by the CIA and I'm also not sure if the story actually happened but it is an amusing read anyway.

I did not write this story and I do not know who Tim Carroll is or whether or not he sucks in any way.

Tim Carroll was tossed out of his apartment by the landlady because one of Tim's many lady friends stayed over for the whole entire evening. This upset the old biddy who owned the building, and being a staunch, God-fearing charter member of the DAR, she cancelled his lease and ordered him to leave the building.

Displeased with the arbitrary and unilateral treatment and the upheaval caused by her dubious moral judgement, Tim didn't get angry; he got even.

He had a trusted friend place a large sign in a hallway window of the landlady's apartment building. The seventh-floor window faced a busy business street, and the sign was quite visible to many hundreds of people.

The sign read: TIM CARROLL SUCKS.

The landlady didn't see the sign, so two days later, Tim's friend positioned another sign, this time in a sixth-floor-hall window.

The second sign read: TIM CARROLL IS A FAG.

The landlady saw both signs and removed them. Two days later, she got a letter from Tim, with a picture enclosed showing her building with the signs easily visible. The letter was Tim's complaint about personal slander and harassment. He asked her please to desist.

Sometime early the next morning, in time for rush-hour morning traffic, a new sign went up in the window:

TIM CARROLL BLOWS DEAD BEARS.

At 8:30 A.M., the unsuspecting landlady received a call from an attorney friend of Tim's, citing the original slander and warning the woman against further incidents. Shaken, she swore her innocence. Ten minutes after hanging up, he called back, sounding furious because Tim had just called him about the latest sign. Flabbergasted, the old lady swore she would remove it and loudly proclaim her innocence.

Another sign went up that afternoon in time for rush-hour the other way:

TIM CARROLL IS A FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL.

The landlady got the lawyer's call just after dark, when the sign was no longer visible. She was almost in tears because of his threats to sue. She begged to just talk to Tim, to tell him none of this was her doing. The attorney told her that he had advised his client to have no further discussions with her.

The next day's sign read: FOR A GOOD LAY, CALL TIM CARROLL.

That evening, a new sign went up. The landlady, frantic, according to Tim's friend who was putting up the signs, got to it fifteen minutes after it went up. The attorney called her five minutes after she go back to her own apartment.

Tim related, "You might feel almost sorry for the old lady, except that she had told me earlier that she was going to keep my security deposit and that I would have to forfeit the month's rent I had paid in advance because I had violated the morality clause in my lease.
The was no such clause.
I found out she had done this same thing to two other guys a year before and some guys before that. She also tossed out a couple because they weren't married. She'd come into your room when you were gone and snoop, too. That bugged me."

No signs went up for the next three days, although the woman checked the windows every twenty minutes or so. On the fourth day, hundreds of passers-by, accustomed to the signs weren't disappointed.

The new sign read: TIM CARROLL'S WHOREHOUSE.

Although it took her an hour to discover and remove it, the lawyer friend of Tim's didn't call until the next morning, when a new sign was in the window:

WHOREHOUSE UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT.
The landlady's telephone number was listed.

A second sign was placed on the sixth-floor window underneath:

TIM CARROLL COULDN'T BEAT THE COMPETITION.

In his best tones, the attorney explained that enough was enough and that on behalf of his client, Mr. Carroll, he would be filing an action. The woman was distraught. He told her to have her attorney present for a meeting at three the following afternoon. He asked her who attorney was and said the meeting should be in his office. Tim and his attorney postponed this meeting several times, then told the woman that since she had stopped putting up the signs, they would hold the suit in limbo for the time.

Reportedly, she monitored the halls and windows of that building regularly for five months. But more importantly, she also left her tenants to their own moral lives.