Little Wang Lei tumbled as she ran across the mat for the Women's Freestyle Gymnastics gold medal. After her crowd stunning victory she said "bleeeebbbb, bliffle, thhhbbbb, blllbbb brrrraaaahhhh waaaaahhhh snorffle ma." With the Chinese national anthem blaring in the background, a strong less than pleasant fragrance seemed to emanate from her red and gold training suit as she accepted her gold medal and floral bouquet on the center pedestal of the awards platform . Famed gymnastics coach Bela Karoli, noted that Wang seemed rather short for her age, and questioned whether she is at least the minimum age of sixteen years. "She is two feet seven inches tall, weighs 16 Kilos and only has eight teeth fercryinoutloud" Karoli said.

Acknowledging that she was rather small for her stated age, Chinese Olympic team officials produced Wang Lei's passport proving that he was born on November 19, 1991. Following the medal awards ceremony, The Chinese Olympic Organizing Committee issued a press release that emphatically stated "previous reports that Wang Lei was born November 19, 2006 were erroneous. We consider the matter settled. This is about sports competition and not China's internal matters, so there is no need to discuss Wang Lei's age any further."

"Since these are China's first Olympic games as host country, we have no choice but to accept her passport as proof that Wang Lei is over sixteen and thus eligible to compete," said a top IOC official who, fearing international ridicule, wished to remain anonymous

This is George, with all the news that really sucks.

If there is anything I cannot stand, it is being ripped off by some business that mis-represents or outright abuses the word "FREE" or "FREE DOWNLOAD". Microsoft has several such false inducements that remind me of women who offer a freebie and then yell "rape" when some poor horny bastard hesitates to pay the post facto charge for her negotiable affections.

My computer had almost ceased to function. It would slow down and spazz every four or five minutes as software became non-responsive. Being computer semi-literate I began trying to figure out what the problem was. Thanks to the guidance of my good buddy and knower of all things computer, Leon, I came to the conclusion that my trusty laptop was full of shit. I went to the Microsoft website and began researching my problem. Following Microsoft's instructions, I came to the conclusion that I might have a registry problem. They directed me to their "downloads" page. I dutifully followed their directions and downloaded their "Registry Cleaner" software. After running the thing, it told me that my problem was the 4,712 registry errors. According to Microsoft, my computer was more contaminated than Bhopal and Chernobyl combined. Following the list of errors, the program told me it would fix 6 errors. I would have to buy the software if I wanted to clean the rest. After clicking my way through to the checkout I learned that it was going to cost $39.95. Fuck that. Why couldn't they tell me that up front?

Finally, after several days of mucking about and deleting rarely used programs and games with little improvement, I started dumping files wholesale. When I got to the TEMP file I found that it was so full that it took several hours to delete everything. It contained nearly 6 Gb of crap. Once it was gone, the 'puter returned to normal. So much for Microslush diagnostics.

The following exchange refers to a bit of Microsoft's Diagnostic Software promising to make my computer as efficient as the Bush Administration and, more specifically, the Department of Homeland Security.

Chat InformationPlease wait for a site operator to respond.

Chat InformationYou are now chatting with 'Tyler'

Tyler: Welcome to our live chat service!

Tyler: Hello. How may I assist you?

George: Hi Tyler

George: I want to register a complaint

Tyler: Ok.

Tyler: may I please know the problem.

George: Your ad for Error Smart says that it is a FREE download.

Tyler: Yes

Tyler: The software has a free version and a registered version. The free version will scan your computer to check if you need to use our software regularly. Only the registered version will remove the actual problems.

Tyler: Upon registering the software, you also get free access to additional protection software. Plus we offer Active Protection: a full complement of support including email support and 24/7 livechat.

George: Only after the software is downloaded, installed and run

George: then we find out there is a charge

George: Nowhere does the front pages mention a charge

Tyler: the software is free for the scanning.

George: It does not say that

Tyler: to remove the errors, you may please get it registered.

George: It says that it will improve the performance of my computer

Tyler: I am sorry for the troubles.

Tyler: yes, it will,

George: not trouble, misleading

Tyler: the registered version will.

George: right

Tyler: Our program will remove registry errors and faults, making your computer run smoother and faster.

George: but it does not say that until after the initial scan

Tyler: ok

Tyler: We would love to give out this software for free, but it costs us money to keep it updated. Every day there are new Spyware and Adware threats that we have to track and find out how to remove. And since we don't use any advertising to support the software, we have to charge a small fee.

Tyler: You can purchase the program by clicking on the link below.

Tyler: http://www.errorsmart.com/buynow_step2.php

George: The actual cost should be on the front end then I can decide if I want to download based on full information

George: I don't want to purchase what was represented as free

Tyler: Yes, I shall forward this to the concerned department.

George: and functional.

Tyler: ok

George: I will post this issue on my blog

Tyler: ok

George: As this is deceptive advertising

George: not a good image

Tyler: sorry for the troubles you had to go through.

Tyler: you may uninstall it, if you do want it please.

George: not trouble, just deep disappointment.

George: I will wait for a response until close of business tomorrow

George: And to give the benefit, I will consider close of business as Pacific

George: time

Tyler: ok

There ought to be a law requiring them to post the cost of their product on the front page. I like to decide if something is worth the cost or at least know what the bottom line is before I begin. These companies should also be prohibited from installing "Spankware" that loads a lot of crap on my computer if I decide not to buy.

I am switching to Ubuntu. Screw Microslush . . .
err . . .Microsoft.

This one is destined to Olympic Giggle Gold Medal.

Some things simply do not translate.

Imagine Sven Bjornsen stepping onto the the platform to receive the Olympic Gold Medal for his record Tiddly Winks performance to the cheers of his adoring Chinese fans in response to the giant LED sign scrolling and flashing "applaud applaud thumbs up cheer 'add oil, add oil'" The chip eating, beer sucking lazyboy physical fitness gurus of the world would fall out of their reclining chairs and land on their collective arses laughing themselves into a hysterical stupor; and yet that is exactly what is expected from 1.6 billion people.

Known more for stoicism than spontaneity, the 1.3 billion Chinese witnesses to the 2008 have been given a choreographed, no doubt well rehearsed, official Olympic cheer that would no doubt be appropriate for the Shanghai Formula 1 race when a multi-million dollar race car blows an engine. Somehow, "add oil; add oil" just doesn't work for the pole vault, pistol shooting, and gymnastics competitions.

According to a report from Reuters the official cheer is being taught everywhere from busses to schools and anywhere people gather.

". . . . the ubiquitous Chinese sporting chant, "Jiayou" or "add oil," the four-step routine is designed to help spectators cheer in a "smooth and civilized manner" at the August 8-24 Games.

The chant will be promoted by television programs, video presentations and squads of cheering volunteers at the venues as well as by the education ministry, the People's Daily reported.

The routine begins with "Olympics -- add oil" accompanied by two claps and a double thumbs up, before continuing with "China -- add oil" with two more claps and raised fists.

The "China" and "Olympics" can be replaced to allow support for other countries or individuals, the paper said. . . ."

Or as my old somewhat used and slightly abused Brit friends, Osgood P. Stuckwicket and his lifelong girlfriend and drinking partner, Winifred Knightbouquet, might have said, "Yah-fookin-who?"

Just when everything was at it darkest, the calendar clicked over to Thursday. Things got worse.

My life has been a long string of Thursdays.
I was born on a Thursday and that, for me, was as good as it gets. My first marriage was on Thursday. So was my first divorce. I was hit by a New York taxi in Brooklyn on Thursday. I mistakenly enlisted in the military on Thursday and arrived just in time for the war on Thursday. The best job I ever had ended when the company went broke on Thursday. The only street fight of my life was in Seattle on Thursday. In Chicago, some fool in a fire truck turned the wrong way onto a one way street and totaled my new car on Thursday. I was across the street having lunch in a burning diner. Due to a mixup in social security numbers the IRS billed me for 986,000 dollars on Thursday. It took a Friday, a weekend and 108 more Thursdays before the mistake was resolved. Even after playing guitar for nearly 50 years I met a nine year old who played infinitely better than I ever did on Thursday. She started on the previous Monday. The first of my many publication submission rejection notices came on Thursday. My brother agreed to store my belongings while I was traveling overseas. His house burned down the following Thursday. To make my life complete I will no doubt die on Thursday. For reasons that completely evade me,

I could never get the hang of Thursdays.

Everybody has got to be against something. I am against that great harbinger of bad things to come . . .

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Today began like every other day in my life. I was asleep and then I woke up. Bad mistake. I really didn't wake up; I just got up.

Like everybody else on this earth, I have my morning routine. Trip to the john, go to the kitchen, get coffee, check e-mail. This morning there was a slight deviation in the process that has developed over many years of practice. I spilled my coffee. Notice, I haven't said I was awake yet. That comes later.

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